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. I m sayin. I like it. Yeah? Yeah. Tommy s lips were as gentle as they ever had been.When he broke off the kiss, he whispered,  Keep your eyes closed andthink of me, and then he backed away.Chase did just what he asked,and when the light turned off and Tommy was gone, Chase was stillsitting in the dark with his eyes closed, thinking for the first time oftheir future together.There were very few things in the vision that frightened him, andhe thought maybe the shit that was scary could be overcome. SO I can go home? Chase asked Doc Stevenson for what must havefelt like the hundredth time. Seriously three days, you promised,right? You said as long as I come back a couple of times a week, I mgood. And take your medication.  I promise, Chase said with the fervency of a child.It didn tmatter.He felt like a child, a kid let out of school early, or that kid atChristmas he knew how that kid felt now, the kid who got the bike.Tommy had given him plenty of Christmas bikes, and there weren tany strings attached anymore.They were beautiful and shiny and brightand they could take him anywhere, and he was thrilled to have gottenthem.This felt like a Christmas bike.He wanted it.He wanted to gohome with Tommy so badly.He wanted to start that future of the twoof them.He d talked with the Doc about it; he knew there would betough times.He knew he d get sad again, and that the Prozac andCymbalta might be for life.He was aware that there was some shit thatmight set him off.And he knew that his biggest test was waiting in the lobby of thefacility even as he finished up his session.Doc knew it too. Well, Chase, I think it all hinges on how wellthe next half hour goes, don t you think? His voice was gentle, andChase sighed. You re not going anywhere, are you? No.I ll be here in my office, doing paperwork if you need mewhen she s gone.And Tommy knows about the visit, you said that.He ll be here early today, so you ve got your support staff, Chase.But  I know, I know. Chase nodded and swallowed. This part I vegot to face myself.Doc smiled at him and cocked his head. Have I told you that Ithink you re brave?Chase looked at him with a fair amount of shock. I fuckin doubtit! You are.Not everything you ve done has been noble, but untilthe very last part there, you had some sort of vision for a happy future.It may have been with the wrong person for the wrong reasons, but youkept hoping that the future would be a good one.Maybe now thatyou ve found the right person and the reasons that you can live with,you can maybe forgive yourself for this.I know it s trite, Chase, but I ve been with you for a month, and the one thing I can tell you that strue is that you truly never meant to hurt her. Yeah.But that doesn t mean that I didn t. That s true too.And that s why this.You ready? Fuck no. Chase stood up from his habitual position on thecouch, one knee tucked in front of his chest. But I ll do it anyway. That s the spirit. Doc stood and, to Chase s surprise, walkedhim through the echoing tile corridors to the lobby.The lobby was notactually too bad for one thing, the walls were a nice sky blue, and thefurniture was beige with little matching highlights.It was peaceful andpretty, and there was green carpet, and in general, it looked like thelobby of an old folks home, the kind that had Easter egg hunts for thegrandkids, and nothing at all like a loony bin.Chase was grateful for Mercy s sake, even if he didn t have anyillusions as to where he d been the past month and a half.She was sitting nervously in one of the chairs and she startledwhen she saw him, frowning automatically in concern.The Docsmoothed things over, of course, offering her some water and a smallsitting room with some privacy.The walk behind Doc, as he led themto the room, as Chase and Mercy stood together, almost as a couple,was one of the most awkward moments of Chase s life.But eventually they were in the little room, which had a couple ofrecliners and a love seat and a little lamp between them.Chase was justas glad his visitors had come to the weight room or his room or gonefor walks with him outside.This felt like an edict from the mentalinstitution to behave as a family, and he wasn t sure he didn t resent thehell out of it.Mercy did too. Great, she muttered. God, I feel like MarthaStewart s ugly stepchild in here.Could there be someplace like thatmovie? With the bars on the windows and the people screaming in thebackground and shit? Most of us are here voluntarily, Merce.No bars on the windows,no people screaming.Just a lot of fuckin Kleenex. She turned around and looked at him, and her face was a littlerounder than he was used to, but there were bags under her red-rimmedeyes that said the extra weight wasn t due to good health. You shed any tears over me, Chase?He kept his gaze steady. You wouldn t believe me if I told youhow many.She shook her head then. You look like hell. Awesome.I ll put that on my list of happy things. Fuck you.I& I just pictured this moment, and I could tell youthat I hated you, and how bad you hurt me, and I got to be a ragingbitch, but I can t.Chase swallowed. You earned the right, hon, but it s not reallyyou.She whirled, her face twisted. And you lost the right to call methings like  hon , asshole.And don t think I don t have some ugly inme, Chase.Because I totally do. She deflated a little. But not rightnow.I think it would have been one thing if you d been all buff andshit, looking like a model like you have this last year, living with yourboyfriend and being all happy, but you look like hell.I mean, I reallythought I could hate you, but you look like shit, and this hasn t beenany easier on you than it has on me, has it?A corner of Chase s mouth turned up. I m probably going to beon antidepressants for the rest of my life.Is that what you wanted tohear? I left you and woke up in the hospital in restraints, so I didn tfinish the job.They had to take a section of the artery in my thigh anduse it in my wrist so I didn t bleed out. He held up his wrist, where thescars were still pink and raw from the stitches they d taken out theweek before. Mercy, whatever you may think of me, however youhate me, you gotta believe this hasn t been anything like easy.She hit the table with the flat of her hand and looked him in theeyes, her own eyes wet and red. But why? she demanded. Why? Ithink back to when you and I started, and we were friends.You weremy buddy, you know? And you didn t judge me when I had to drop outof school and you made me laugh.And yeah, I hoped for more, but if you d just once said  Mercy, sorry, don t swing that way! I wouldhave been okay!Chase s laugh held no humor whatsoever. Mercy, I had to slitmy fucking wrist to be able to say it myself, don t you get that? Why? What s so bad about being gay that you had to do all thisother shit you had to lie to me, and to yourself and& fuck, even tothe guy you had on a string  I never lied to him, Chase said softly. Me, you yeah.I neverlied to him. And that s supposed to make me feel better?Chase swallowed. It s supposed to explain why I had to pick himover you. 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