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.Before I can address these two issues—how to moderate our emo-tional behavior, and, when we fail, how we can learn from thosemistakes—we must consider what it is we are trying to moderate:emotional behavior itself—the signals, the actions, and the internalchanges.We need also to understand how these emotional behaviorsare generated and how we can influence that process.We will beginwith the signals, the emotional expressions.The emotion signals given off by other persons often determinehow we interpret their words and actions.Their expression also trig-gers our own emotional response, and that in turn colors our inter-pretation of what the person is saying, what we think are thatperson's motives, attitudes, and intentions.In the last chapter we met Helen, who became annoyed with herhusband, Jim, when he told her he could not pick up their daughterafter school that day.Helen had replied, "Why didn't you give memore notice?" Jim might not have become angry in return if it hadnot been for the edge in her voice or the anger written on her face.Her words alone might have been enough, though.A softer way ofsaying the same thing would have been, "I wish you could havegiven me more notice," or "What happened that you couldn't let meknow before now?" That last version would have let Jim know thatshe recognized that there must be a reason why he was inconve-niencing her.But even the softer language wouldn't have succeededif it were said with anger in her voice or on her face.Even if Helen had said nothing, the expression on her face mighthave tipped Jim off that she was annoyed, for emotions are not pri-vate.Most of our emotions have a distinctive signal that tells othershow we are feeling.Thoughts, on the other hand, are totally private.No one knows if we are thinking about our mother, the show we aremissing on television, or how to change our Internet stock invest-ments unless emotions are mixed in with those thoughts, as theyoften are.While there is no external signal that even tells people weare thinking, let alone what we are thinking, that is not the case withemotion.Although individuals differ in how expressive they are,emotions are not invisible or silent.Others who look at us and listento what we say could tell how we are feeling, unless we were to makea concerted effort to squelch our expressions.Even then, some traceof our emotions might leak out and could be detected.2We may not always like the fact that others can know how we feel;even the most open people find times when they would prefer tokeep their feelings private.Helen might not have wanted to let Jimknow she was annoyed, but her face might have betrayed her even ifshe kept herself from saying anything.It is part of our evolutionaryheritage that we signal when each emotion begins.Presumably, overthe course of our history as a species, it was more useful than not forothers to know what emotion we were experiencing without ourhaving to make the choice to tell them.For Helen, a slight look ofannoyance might serve to prod Jim to explain why he couldn't giveher more notice: "I know this will be hard on you, honey, but I haveno choice; my boss just called when you were in the shower and saidthere was an emergency meeting." Now knowing that Jim wasn'tbeing inconsiderate, Helen's anger fades.But her anger might notfade if, as I mentioned in chapter 3, she were resentful about othermatters, or if she imported into this situation anger based on herexperience with her bullying brother.Another remarkable feature about the emotion signal system isthat it is always "on." It is ready to broadcast instantly every emotionwe feel.Think what life would be like if there were a switch, if itcould be in the "off" position unless we chose to switch it "on." Itwould make child care impossible, for one thing.If it were off,how would we know what to do and when to do it? As parents ofolder children, would we want to have to plead with our kids to turntheir emotional signals back on? In friendships, in courting, even inthe workplace, it would become a central issue: "Do you have youremotion signals switched on or off?" Who would be willing tospend time with us, other than those with whom we have the mosttrivial exchanges, such as the fellow who sells us the morning news-paper, if they knew we had chosen to deprive them of informationabout how we are feeling?Fortunately we don't have that choice, and, while we do have theability to dampen our emotional signals, we are rarely perfect in ourattempts to inhibit them.Of course, some people are much moreable than others to dampen or even eliminate any sign of the emo-tions they are feeling.It is not certain whether this is because thesepeople experience emotions less intensely, or if they have a superiorability in suppressing any sign of the emotion they are experiencing [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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.Before I can address these two issues—how to moderate our emo-tional behavior, and, when we fail, how we can learn from thosemistakes—we must consider what it is we are trying to moderate:emotional behavior itself—the signals, the actions, and the internalchanges.We need also to understand how these emotional behaviorsare generated and how we can influence that process.We will beginwith the signals, the emotional expressions.The emotion signals given off by other persons often determinehow we interpret their words and actions.Their expression also trig-gers our own emotional response, and that in turn colors our inter-pretation of what the person is saying, what we think are thatperson's motives, attitudes, and intentions.In the last chapter we met Helen, who became annoyed with herhusband, Jim, when he told her he could not pick up their daughterafter school that day.Helen had replied, "Why didn't you give memore notice?" Jim might not have become angry in return if it hadnot been for the edge in her voice or the anger written on her face.Her words alone might have been enough, though.A softer way ofsaying the same thing would have been, "I wish you could havegiven me more notice," or "What happened that you couldn't let meknow before now?" That last version would have let Jim know thatshe recognized that there must be a reason why he was inconve-niencing her.But even the softer language wouldn't have succeededif it were said with anger in her voice or on her face.Even if Helen had said nothing, the expression on her face mighthave tipped Jim off that she was annoyed, for emotions are not pri-vate.Most of our emotions have a distinctive signal that tells othershow we are feeling.Thoughts, on the other hand, are totally private.No one knows if we are thinking about our mother, the show we aremissing on television, or how to change our Internet stock invest-ments unless emotions are mixed in with those thoughts, as theyoften are.While there is no external signal that even tells people weare thinking, let alone what we are thinking, that is not the case withemotion.Although individuals differ in how expressive they are,emotions are not invisible or silent.Others who look at us and listento what we say could tell how we are feeling, unless we were to makea concerted effort to squelch our expressions.Even then, some traceof our emotions might leak out and could be detected.2We may not always like the fact that others can know how we feel;even the most open people find times when they would prefer tokeep their feelings private.Helen might not have wanted to let Jimknow she was annoyed, but her face might have betrayed her even ifshe kept herself from saying anything.It is part of our evolutionaryheritage that we signal when each emotion begins.Presumably, overthe course of our history as a species, it was more useful than not forothers to know what emotion we were experiencing without ourhaving to make the choice to tell them.For Helen, a slight look ofannoyance might serve to prod Jim to explain why he couldn't giveher more notice: "I know this will be hard on you, honey, but I haveno choice; my boss just called when you were in the shower and saidthere was an emergency meeting." Now knowing that Jim wasn'tbeing inconsiderate, Helen's anger fades.But her anger might notfade if, as I mentioned in chapter 3, she were resentful about othermatters, or if she imported into this situation anger based on herexperience with her bullying brother.Another remarkable feature about the emotion signal system isthat it is always "on." It is ready to broadcast instantly every emotionwe feel.Think what life would be like if there were a switch, if itcould be in the "off" position unless we chose to switch it "on." Itwould make child care impossible, for one thing.If it were off,how would we know what to do and when to do it? As parents ofolder children, would we want to have to plead with our kids to turntheir emotional signals back on? In friendships, in courting, even inthe workplace, it would become a central issue: "Do you have youremotion signals switched on or off?" Who would be willing tospend time with us, other than those with whom we have the mosttrivial exchanges, such as the fellow who sells us the morning news-paper, if they knew we had chosen to deprive them of informationabout how we are feeling?Fortunately we don't have that choice, and, while we do have theability to dampen our emotional signals, we are rarely perfect in ourattempts to inhibit them.Of course, some people are much moreable than others to dampen or even eliminate any sign of the emo-tions they are feeling.It is not certain whether this is because thesepeople experience emotions less intensely, or if they have a superiorability in suppressing any sign of the emotion they are experiencing [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]