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.Boyd stared at the door for a moment before he thought to flip the phone closed andslide it back in his pocket.His expression closed off; the default neutral that didn'tshare his thoughts with the world.He turned, his shoes making soft scuffing noise against the pavement, and walkedaway.The world was meaningless white noise.Sin had a lover.He'd thought of the possibility in the weeks he'd been unable to return.Still,somehow he'd hoped that there would be a part of Sin that would remember himand the promises they'd made to each other.Part of him that would miss Boyd evenif he didn't know who he was-- a part that would forge some level of connectionbetween them that could be reignited.Yet hearing Sin comment about something that could have applied to their ownrelationship.Sin really didn't remember him at al if he said that so offhandedly tohim.The knowledge was a heavy weight in his stomach.It may not matter that he'd found Sin again after so long or that he'd been sodesperately hopeful at their reunion.It didn't matter that just seeing Sin filled himwith happiness.Sin had an entirely separate life here that he was livingdisconnected from Boyd.Not only was there no guarantee they would get backtogether-- there wasn't even any reason on Sin's side.He could easily leave Boydbehind for good even though against all odds they'd found each other again.And if that was the case, what was al this for? Why had he been pulled from hismeaningless life into the Agency, thrown into something that had caused him morepain and elation than anything else he'd ever experienced-- why had he been turnedinto an agent, a killer, a valentine, if he couldn't at least have Sin?The thought was depressing.Boyd's foot dropped a few inches from the concrete pad of the parking lot down tothe sand of the beach.The ocean spread before him; dominating the horizon whilebirds swooped and rose as small black shapes against the dark sky.He walked until he stopped in the middle of the beach; people talking and laughingand moving around him, feeling so far away.When he'd realized Sin was here inAnnadale Beach he hadn't felt so alone.But now, simple words and a simple factmade him realize he still was.All those months Boyd had thought only of Sin.All those times he'd leaned on Sin'smemory for strength and conviction.All those nights he'd woken in pain and forcedhimself to keep going because it was what Sin would have wanted.It hurt to know it may mean nothing.He dropped down onto the sand, the warmth of it burning through his clothes.Itmatched the burning in his chest.Even hundreds of miles away the Agency had found a way to destroy the one goodthing he'd found in the last several years.The one relationship he'd treasured aboveall else-- the one person he'd been able to trust without question.He ignored the depression that threatened to loom and focused instead on thelesson Shapiro had taught him-- to redirect his thoughts in a more productivemanner.He tried to look at this objectively.Boyd was tied to the Agency, which he'd joined because of Sin al those years ago.Yet with Boyd an agent and Sin a civilian who didn't even remember his past, thatlife was more of a danger to Sin than anything else now that he'd escaped it.Withthe enemies that came with the Agency, Boyd's continued presence in Annadalecould only increase the likelihood of Sin or others getting caught in the crossfire.Especially with the dangers the mole presented.If he really wanted to think only of Sin's physical safety, the best thing to do would beto leave Annadale for good.To never return, to never try to get involved.To pretendhe never saw Sin.Strictly speaking, for who Sin was now, it was probably best for his emotional wellbeing too.After al , if he didn't remember Boyd he didn't know to miss him.Obviously he already had people he was involved with here so he wasn't missinganything if Boyd never returned.And here he could be normal.That was something Boyd could never offer, no matter how much time passed.Hewould always be caught by the Agency.He would always have blood on his handsand be subject to disappearing for good at any moment.If he really wanted to helpSin, he should take this as a sign and go.But he didn't want to leave-- he wanted to latch onto Sin and never let anyone comebetween them again for the rest of his life.It was hard to be logical about something he cared so much about.Someone whowas more important to him than anyone else.It was hard to think about finding Sinafter al this time and stepping back, just giving in so someone else could take theplace he'd fought so hard to be.He knew the old Sin hadn't wanted to flee to save his life alone-- not if he couldn't bewith Boyd.He hadn't wanted Boyd to hide it when he was attracted to him orinterested in him.The old Sin wouldn't want him to walk away.The ocean rol ed endlessly; waves rising and falling to become gentle pulls on theedge of the beach.He sighed, dragging his legs in to rest his elbows on his knees.What should I do, Hsin? You didn't want to be without me because you couldn'tforget me back then.But you don't know me anymore.You don't know to miss me.Idon't even know if you're in there anymore.And if you aren't, isn't it better that I dowhat's best for the new you?The words hung in his mind with no immediate answer.He grimaced and dropped his head forward with another sigh.His hair tangled in hisfingers and his eyes squeezed shut.His head hurt.His chest hurt.He felt so conflicted and tired.It hurt to find his lover again and still have to be on guard.To be a world apart inlifestyle now and not even know what he could or should say or do.To have tobalance promises of the past with the situation of the present.To know that he may have to walk away.To know that it may turn out that the only true happiness he would have in his lifeafter Lou would be those brief moments he got with Sin in the midst of thosetraumatic years.To know that in the end he'd become pushed so far to the fringes ofsociety that now that his lover was no longer there with him, he couldn't enter his lifeagain.To know that there could be someone else where he so desperately wanted to be--someone else who had far less history with Sin but who could talk to him and touchhim and be so casual while Boyd had to act the part of a stranger who wasn't hurt byunintentionally painful words.Even though Sin broke up with Kayla now, how longwould it take for him to find someone new? Assuming he didn't already like someoneelse.For al the time he'd thought Sin was dead he'd thought that if only Sin were alive,things would be better.He could love Sin again and Sin could love him again.Sincould tell him it was alright that everything had turned out how it did.That he stillloved Boyd no matter what happened while they were apart.That he still wanted Boyd; that he'd never forgotten him during those long months.That he never would.But he had [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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.Boyd stared at the door for a moment before he thought to flip the phone closed andslide it back in his pocket.His expression closed off; the default neutral that didn'tshare his thoughts with the world.He turned, his shoes making soft scuffing noise against the pavement, and walkedaway.The world was meaningless white noise.Sin had a lover.He'd thought of the possibility in the weeks he'd been unable to return.Still,somehow he'd hoped that there would be a part of Sin that would remember himand the promises they'd made to each other.Part of him that would miss Boyd evenif he didn't know who he was-- a part that would forge some level of connectionbetween them that could be reignited.Yet hearing Sin comment about something that could have applied to their ownrelationship.Sin really didn't remember him at al if he said that so offhandedly tohim.The knowledge was a heavy weight in his stomach.It may not matter that he'd found Sin again after so long or that he'd been sodesperately hopeful at their reunion.It didn't matter that just seeing Sin filled himwith happiness.Sin had an entirely separate life here that he was livingdisconnected from Boyd.Not only was there no guarantee they would get backtogether-- there wasn't even any reason on Sin's side.He could easily leave Boydbehind for good even though against all odds they'd found each other again.And if that was the case, what was al this for? Why had he been pulled from hismeaningless life into the Agency, thrown into something that had caused him morepain and elation than anything else he'd ever experienced-- why had he been turnedinto an agent, a killer, a valentine, if he couldn't at least have Sin?The thought was depressing.Boyd's foot dropped a few inches from the concrete pad of the parking lot down tothe sand of the beach.The ocean spread before him; dominating the horizon whilebirds swooped and rose as small black shapes against the dark sky.He walked until he stopped in the middle of the beach; people talking and laughingand moving around him, feeling so far away.When he'd realized Sin was here inAnnadale Beach he hadn't felt so alone.But now, simple words and a simple factmade him realize he still was.All those months Boyd had thought only of Sin.All those times he'd leaned on Sin'smemory for strength and conviction.All those nights he'd woken in pain and forcedhimself to keep going because it was what Sin would have wanted.It hurt to know it may mean nothing.He dropped down onto the sand, the warmth of it burning through his clothes.Itmatched the burning in his chest.Even hundreds of miles away the Agency had found a way to destroy the one goodthing he'd found in the last several years.The one relationship he'd treasured aboveall else-- the one person he'd been able to trust without question.He ignored the depression that threatened to loom and focused instead on thelesson Shapiro had taught him-- to redirect his thoughts in a more productivemanner.He tried to look at this objectively.Boyd was tied to the Agency, which he'd joined because of Sin al those years ago.Yet with Boyd an agent and Sin a civilian who didn't even remember his past, thatlife was more of a danger to Sin than anything else now that he'd escaped it.Withthe enemies that came with the Agency, Boyd's continued presence in Annadalecould only increase the likelihood of Sin or others getting caught in the crossfire.Especially with the dangers the mole presented.If he really wanted to think only of Sin's physical safety, the best thing to do would beto leave Annadale for good.To never return, to never try to get involved.To pretendhe never saw Sin.Strictly speaking, for who Sin was now, it was probably best for his emotional wellbeing too.After al , if he didn't remember Boyd he didn't know to miss him.Obviously he already had people he was involved with here so he wasn't missinganything if Boyd never returned.And here he could be normal.That was something Boyd could never offer, no matter how much time passed.Hewould always be caught by the Agency.He would always have blood on his handsand be subject to disappearing for good at any moment.If he really wanted to helpSin, he should take this as a sign and go.But he didn't want to leave-- he wanted to latch onto Sin and never let anyone comebetween them again for the rest of his life.It was hard to be logical about something he cared so much about.Someone whowas more important to him than anyone else.It was hard to think about finding Sinafter al this time and stepping back, just giving in so someone else could take theplace he'd fought so hard to be.He knew the old Sin hadn't wanted to flee to save his life alone-- not if he couldn't bewith Boyd.He hadn't wanted Boyd to hide it when he was attracted to him orinterested in him.The old Sin wouldn't want him to walk away.The ocean rol ed endlessly; waves rising and falling to become gentle pulls on theedge of the beach.He sighed, dragging his legs in to rest his elbows on his knees.What should I do, Hsin? You didn't want to be without me because you couldn'tforget me back then.But you don't know me anymore.You don't know to miss me.Idon't even know if you're in there anymore.And if you aren't, isn't it better that I dowhat's best for the new you?The words hung in his mind with no immediate answer.He grimaced and dropped his head forward with another sigh.His hair tangled in hisfingers and his eyes squeezed shut.His head hurt.His chest hurt.He felt so conflicted and tired.It hurt to find his lover again and still have to be on guard.To be a world apart inlifestyle now and not even know what he could or should say or do.To have tobalance promises of the past with the situation of the present.To know that he may have to walk away.To know that it may turn out that the only true happiness he would have in his lifeafter Lou would be those brief moments he got with Sin in the midst of thosetraumatic years.To know that in the end he'd become pushed so far to the fringes ofsociety that now that his lover was no longer there with him, he couldn't enter his lifeagain.To know that there could be someone else where he so desperately wanted to be--someone else who had far less history with Sin but who could talk to him and touchhim and be so casual while Boyd had to act the part of a stranger who wasn't hurt byunintentionally painful words.Even though Sin broke up with Kayla now, how longwould it take for him to find someone new? Assuming he didn't already like someoneelse.For al the time he'd thought Sin was dead he'd thought that if only Sin were alive,things would be better.He could love Sin again and Sin could love him again.Sincould tell him it was alright that everything had turned out how it did.That he stillloved Boyd no matter what happened while they were apart.That he still wanted Boyd; that he'd never forgotten him during those long months.That he never would.But he had [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]